insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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