allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
