I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
