k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize