I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
