Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
