i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize