i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
