Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
my liver is dry heaving
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
