I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
