The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
