Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In other news, I just burned my penis
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
