im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
