My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
