im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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