so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
