Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
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They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.