So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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