I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS