Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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