I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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