I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
