my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
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Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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