Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
