dude i'm inner monologue high
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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