I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
