The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
