why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
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Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
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I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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