The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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