she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
no you cant smoke seaweed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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