Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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