Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
