I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
