He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
