drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
