I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
