VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
