I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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