a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
