"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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