remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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