I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
