Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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