So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
