Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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