Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
