Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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