2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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