Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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