everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
