he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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