I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
