I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
