At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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