i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
