if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
