Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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