you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
