Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
