Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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